This would win the ‘Property Description of the Year’ award – if we had one

The listing of this property in Bristol, on with Strike for offers in the region of £800,000, would comfortably win the EYE ‘Property Description of the Year’ award, were such a thing to exist (come to think of it, we might just run one).

It is supposition on our part but it looks very much as if the vendor decided that the agent could not possibly do justice to the house and therefore decided to write it themselves. As for the photography, we are not sure who is responsible…

As the length of the description would give War & Peace a run for its money, and that there are a whopping 124 images – some of which we really cannot quite get a handle on – there is only space here to give you some edited highlights. If the listing stays up you can find the link at the end of the story. Be warned, there is an awful lot of green…

Oh, and we are rather intrigued by the Strike image at the top right of the page on Rightmove. Is the chap spoiling for a fight? Does it mean they punch above their weight? Do they box clever with a buyer? Someone please tell us what the pugilistic pose is all about.

Extracts from the owner’s words describing the property:

Hyper-Personalized for unique and special individuals who appreciate creative celebration, God, culture oneness and uniqueness. Probably Bristol’s most unique home.

A pulchritudinous, grandiose detailed property which has been magnificently crafted over 5 years in natural materials, built over 3 floors with surprising modern eco credentials.

A property and living space inspired from God, love travel, adventure, engineering, manufacturing, creative expression and craftsmanship. A taste of Colonial Caribbean, European, Chinese and Asian with strong period influences of Art Nouveau and Art Deco. This is one of Bristol’s most crafted homes of recent times; it has been created using only the highest quality craftsmen, natural and unique woods, stone/minerals, and materials to create a natural and luxurious textured finish, feel and look, that is like being in another world.

The house was conceived 10 years ago, almost to this very moment in time, and it is probably only now ready to be fully appreciated, by society today, as to what it is all about. Much of what is within this property is either unaffordable, unobtainable, or both now due to world and economic circumstances. Labour costs for a Master Craftsmen – German trained Joiner was £140.00 per day, that same craftsman is today £500.00 per day.

You see in this property, years of his meticulous and Zen work. 10’s of thousands of hours it has taken to make and build this most unique and exquisite property. We lost our way for respecting true genius crafts people in trades, like they once were in a period of a respected guild.

This property is a testament to human genius creativity and a celebration to the incredible natural materials of divine mother earth, it is beyond comparable.

If you feel special, a unique individual or individuals with an appreciation of creative expression and craftsmanship, this is a timeless home that never feels “boring” and is a space and place, which constantly inspires you.

It is difficult to describe this place and how perfect it is. Each bathroom is a place where you can spend the whole day. The design is fantastic. Massaging chairs make a very professional massage. Lots of small cosy details. Belmont Penthouse Apartment is unforgettable with very positive vibes.

 

All painted in Pantone 16-0237 Foliage – Farrow and Balls 2022 colour of the year “The bold use of this one colour also creates an exceptional background for art, or for furniture. Why the sudden surge in the popularity of verdant hues? Different colours have the power to evoke a range of emotions and can affect your heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing. Green in particular is often associated with healing, tranquility, hope, stability, optimism, and harmony—so it’s unsurprising that the demand for the calming shade has soared in the wake of one of the most tumultuous years in history 2020/2021″ clearly with more to come.

“Green is known to have a soothing, refreshing effect, especially in interiors—which is so important as we emerge from the pandemic,” says colour expert Leatrice Eiseman, the executive director of the Pantone Color Institute. “It is Mother Nature’s most ubiquitous neutral color, working in tandem with every other color in the spectrum.”

The property is currently decorated in one of the 2022 paint colours of the year according to the whole industry and even psychologists. Farrow & Ball, Dulux, Realhomes, Country Living, Better Homes and Gardens (BHG), Pantone, Lushome, Houzz to name just a few that have said this is, this and next year’s colour.

 

Have a look at the full listing here.

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20 Comments

  1. mrneilwhitfield

    It’s easy to mock but would you rather read this than the standard ‘The property boasts…’ cliché ridden listing copy?

    Clearly the author is incredibly passionate and at least this is likely to elicit some form of emotional response, most listing copy is so vanilla and bland.

    It’s too wordy by far (what on earth does pulchritudinous mean?) but effective marketing needs to attract and repel in equal measure, so…

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    1. Retiredandrelaxed

      “… what on earth does pulchritudinous mean?”
       
      Having great physical beauty (especially of a woman) – as per the Cambridge dictionary.
       
      Seriously though, whoever wrote this description must have done this with their toungue firmly in their cheek – either that or they really do need to get put more as seem to be taking themselves far too seriously

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  2. Robert_May

    Thank goodness passive intermediary, internet listing firms are there to take on homes and vendors like that.

     

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  3. stillhaveapulse81

    Oh dear where is property misdescriptions legislation when you need it… once read you would be forgiven to think you would be confronted on viewing by a calming green domestic paradise… but in reality the dominant colour appears to be A Spainish hacienda brown…good old 1960’s!!! Interlaced by a casserole of mixed styles. but then again it would be a dull old world if we were all the same!!!
    bet the vendor is fun to deal with!!!

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  4. Seen Both Sides

    Is this a joke!? How have Rightmove allowed 124 pictures? Poor quality photos too. And why are there some of a dog? And a church? And a field? And someone else’s house?

     

    A unique property, yes, but a farcical advert.

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    1. FAQs1

      The dog is the star of the show, probably happy to get away from all that ‘Mothers Nature’ plastic grass …

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    2. CountryLass

      There is only 42 on there now… *crying face emoji* I wanted to see all of them!

      And although I like a good, wordy description I got bored and skipped over it…

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  5. FAQs1

    Walking around that property must feel like being trapped in a box of After Eight Mints.

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  6. Quags

    Awful photography, deluded description.  A prime example of why a vendor should generally not write their own description.

    Apparently there’s a bathroom there, but I’m not quite sure.

    My personal favourite bit:

    It is the highest rated property on Booking,com in all of the Bristol area. The property easily commands £580.00 per night.  Celebrity musicians, actors/actresses, sportsmen and women, artists, surgeons, bankers/hedge fund managers, and even successful transformed former criminals have all visited and unanimously declared it’s the best they’ve seen/stayed in 

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  7. jeremy1960

    If ever there was a case of not being able to buy class, this has to be it!  And to think that the agent works for free!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  8. JWVW

    No mirror over the bed – I’m out.

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  9. Hotwells84

    We valued it a few years ago. It was clear only the owner could do the marketing justice and politely declined the opportunity to take it to market. Its fair to say like the rest of the development there that its certainly unique with this particular bit displaying the most artistic licence of the lot. Perhaps in a few years time we will look back on it as a true masterpiece like Gaudi’s Sagrada Familia?

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  10. EGIL

    If I was a reptilian creature I would absolutely love to buy this house.

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  11. Blackcountrygirl.

    I hope the “agent” (loosely use this term) has checked the description against any potential CPR discrepancies but then again I doubt it……

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  12. agent orange

    Car in the driveway, wheelie bins out front. Tsk Tsk!

    Other than that, Bangkok Premier inn seems to be open for business…

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    1. CountryLass

      don’t forget the bags of cement from the look of them…

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  13. AcornsRNuts

    No thanks.  I could not live in that house.  Did anyone notice the table has five place mats but only four drinks coasters.  Attention to detail Mr/Ms Described-by-owner.

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  14. Anonymous Coward

    Armchair sleuth here… The address was easy enough to find on Google Maps.

    EPC expired in August 2022 – it is only 106m2 not 157m2.

    Council Tax lists it as two separate dwellings.

    In 2018 it got planning permission for: Non-material amendments following the grant of planning permission (from 2016) – erection of a four storey building (including basement) to accommodate 4 no. flats with the car lift for 2x cars, 1 bedroom extra in the basement flat.

    In fact it has a planning history and a half – entertaining reading if you have a spare few minutes.

    That’s truly brightened up my Tuesday afternoon 🙂

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  15. morrisseysillegitimateburger

    And there we have it, definitive proof that money does not buy class.

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  16. FAQs1

    The listing has been edited now and the number of photos reduced, it’s still very wordy, but not as much fun …

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