There is seldom time at EYE to ‘play’ but while exploring the rabbit-hole that is Artificial Intelligence – in this case, ChatGPT – we took a moment to ask it to write about Home Information Packs, in the style of William Shakespeare. The result is entertaining, to such a degree that we may have to make ‘him’ a regular correspondent.

So, imagine yourself settled in at the Globe Theatre and read on…

Of Scrolls and Hearth: A Discourse on Home Information Packs, as might have been penn’d by the Bard of Avon

Lo! Attend thee now, good gentlefolk, and lend thy list’ning ear,
For I shall speak of parchment new, that bringeth sellers cheer.
‘Tis called a Pack, of Home and House, a thing both stout and neat,
Wherein is writ the lore of lands, and each abode complete.

—

ACT I – Of Deeds and Dwelling

Enter NARRATOR

What devil’s jest or clerkly scheme is this?
A “Home Information Pack,” quoth thou? Ay, bliss!
When one would sell their cot or hall of stone,
This bundle must be made ere sale is shown.
With title deeds and searches deep enclosed,
Where soil and sky and drainage are exposed.

No longer may the buyer blindly tread,
For all is in the Pack, yea, full and spread.
The lawman’s seal, the surveyor’s learned eye,
And energy that dwindles, low or high.

—

ACT II – Of Energy, and the Curious Scroll

In this great tome lies something called ‘EPC’,
A curious charm that tells how warm thou be.
If hearth doth waste its flame through wall or beam,
The scroll shall name it, aye, and scorn the scheme.
It showeth if thy keep is cold or kind,
And what repairs shall calm the winter wind.

Lo, these are truths that once lay hid and dumb,
But now they must with trumpet boldly come.
The buyer knoweth what he soon shall gain—
A palace fair, or naught but leaky bane.

—

ACT III – Of Strife and Statute

Yet not all souls did cheer this scribbled lore,
For many cried, “A tax! A bureaucrat’s chore!”
Some merchants swore the Pack did naught but stall
The hasty trade, the swift and honest call.
But government, with gavel firm and proud,
Did hold its ground ‘gainst protest loud.

“’Tis for the people,” said the stately knave,
“To save them from a sale that makes them slave.”
And thus it stood, for many a weary moon,
Until the law did whistle a new tune.

—

ACT IV – Of Repeal and the Vanishing Pack

But mark ye well how time doth turn the tide—
The Pack, once law, now cast and set aside.
With change of crown, and sceptre in new hand,
It vanish’d, like a ghost from Elsinore’s land.
“No more,” they cried, “shall seller fear this fee!
Let free trade reign! Let red-tape cease to be!”

And so the Pack did pass to shadows dim,
Yet memory of it still doth haunt the brim.
A tale of ink and seals and state decrees,
Of homes and hopes, and cold legalities.

—

EPILOGUE – A Seller’s Whisper

Enter a humble SELLER, with candle and deed.

Shouldst thou e’er list thy house in market’s mart,
Still keep thy scrolls in order, every part.
Though Packs be gone, the truth must still be shown—
What lies beneath thy roof must all be known.

So arm thyself with honesty and grace,
And let not falsehood mar thy dwelling place.
For every buyer hath the right to see
What kind of soul thy house is wont to be.

—

Exeunt omnes.