Thank heavens for the Daily Mash!

Faced with the dire headline on the front page of last Friday’s Times – House price slump triggers fears of new property recession, a story based on Nationwide’s latest index which (sorry chaps) actually reported house prices had gone up once you removed seasonal adjustment – the Daily Mash responded to the crisis.

“Economists have warned Britain faces a doomsday scenario in which ordinary people on average wages would be able to buy their own homes.

“Falling prices mean that unless urgent action is taken we could see a return to the dark days of the 1970s in which three-bedroom houses cost so little that even public sector employees could afford them.

“Mary Fisher of Nationwide Building Society said, “I’m looking at the current projections and frankly, they frighten me. At this rate, even I’ll be able to get a mortgage and I’m only 37.

“If prices continue to tumble, we face seeing London tower blocks filled with actual residents who work no more than 15 minutes away. It will devastate the podcast industry.

“The only way to avert this crisis is a bail-out, pumping billions into property to keep prices high and guarantee that overseas investors get the return on their money they deserve.

“We did it for the bankers, we can do it for the property speculators. We just need to pull together and show a bit of that Dunkirk spirit.”

We love it!

Dire predictions that houses may become affordable