Apparently, Ralph Waldo Emerson actually said: “If a man has good corn or wood, or boards, or pigs, to sell, or can make better chairs or knives, crucibles or church organs, than anybody else, you will find a broad hard-beaten road to his house, though it be in the woods.”

Over the years the quotation has been simplified to the one most of us (of a certain age and education) will remember.

In its most recent incarnation, however, it surely must now read thus: “If someone should invent a better housetrap, though they be in the middle of a wood, the public might beat a path to their door.”

OnTheMarket arrived (without an invitation to yours truly to join the press call) some guns blazing, earlier this week.

I had offered my services early on in the conception stage to assist in any way they might think useful, especially with PR (after all, I was the self-styled man who made estate agents loveable in the public’s eyes so long ago).

The mere fact that Agents’ Mutual, as they were at the time, ignored my offer completely, left me in no way bitter! I didn’t join.

The fact is, my ten-year-old Dell laptop is so old and decrepit (so I have subsequently been told) that whatever link I pressed to inspect the spanking Ontheparquet’s new site, all I got were messages such as: “Attackers might be trying to steal your information such as passwords, messages or credit card details.” (Was it Houser, I thought for a moment?)

Or the equally worrying: “There is a problem with this website’s security… We recommend that you close this webpage and do not continue to this website.”

Well, I’m not a suspicious man, but I did wonder if some extra force was intervening to stop me having a butchers at the site.

Certainly I have recently had a number of strange experiences of varying kinds, but I have put all these down to the old jalopy milometer (pictured below) having recently hit 66666 and promptly sticking there.

Scary or what?

Nevertheless, I absolve Ontheparquet of involvement, and wish them every success and hope their arrival will bring down my Mightmove and Hoopla subs, but somehow I doubt it.

I don’t know whether I was singled out for a flyer this week from the wine department at keen-priced supermarket chain Pidl, or whether you got one too, but apparently they are launching a new variety of grape which has been genetically modified to help with incontinence (see my last week’s story).

A combination of Pinot with 30% Syrah and a dash of Merlot, it is to be marketed, with we sufferers in mind no doubt, as Pinot More.

I have recently been subjected to some nauseating adverts on TV (OK I admit I do watch some strange channels) for gas and electricity providers First Utility. I don’t know whether it’s just me, but I have found them an absolute shower to deal with – far worse than any other power companies when it comes to attending to tenancy changes etc. Am I alone in this opinion? Do tell.

Finally, as I was singing along lustily to “We are the Champions” at the O2 last week, the sight of Freddie’s replacement vocalist, the excellent Adam Lambert, reminded me that I had still not heard from Cap’n Shipside but, for the moment at least, I will concede that Mightmove are still the champions in my eyes.

(Incidentally, Zoopla has a box at the O2 – and no, I wasn’t in it.)

Hopefully, as time goes on, Ontheparquet will drag itself off the floor (and buy me a modern laptop perhaps) and then all will be well with the world!

Have a good weekend, folks.

Big T

First, the milometer on my jalopy stuck at 66666…

… then my ancient computer started displaying warning messages at Ontheparquet